omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
