he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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