Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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