Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
