Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I cut my penus on the lid.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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