I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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