Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
