Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
