Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
