She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
