Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
