Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
