my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
