Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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