Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
