Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
