so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
