And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
