who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
