Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize