i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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