I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
