She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
