did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
