woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
