Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
