she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
