Im at strip club and am horny
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
