i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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