oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
