The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
