1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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