If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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