I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
