and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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