cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
