You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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