ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
