Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
