turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
