She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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