OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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