Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize