I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We just shotgunned beers for America
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
