I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
