Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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