They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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