Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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