after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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