I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
