my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
