also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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