Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
