i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
