my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize