just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
