yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
