I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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