you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
