apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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