The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
