Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
my being single is dangerous.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
