sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
