I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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