Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
